My Village

I gave a talk on Mother's Day. I thought I would post it.

I read a quote the other day that said “I’ve seen the village, and I don’t want it raising my child!” I thought this was so funny!! My first thought was yep, so true. Then I come here and look around at the wonderful women in this ward, and realize that this is not so true, then I look at the wonderful women in my neighborhood, and School community and I realize that it really isn’t as bad as it looks. This is really my village. And when I look at it that way, it doesn’t look so bleak. The people that we surround ourselves with are our village. In my village, there are men. Lots and lots of good and wonderful men who are teaching and raising and being there for my family. I want you to know that you are there and that you are an integral part of my village. But, Since it is Mother’s Day I will focus on the women. I just want you to know that when I am talking about the women in my village, that the men are just as important.
There are some wonderful women out there that I am privileged to know and I esteem to be like them. I, being the good Mormon girl that I am, have lots of guilt. I always look around at the wonderful mothers and women that are working with the children and, can’t help but think about all the things I am doing wrong. As I struggled with the fact that I was doing a mother’s day talk and often Mother’s day talks make me look at all the things I am not doing, I struggled with this guilt. I came across a talk on the internet that spoke of this exact thing and realized that I am looking at it all wrong. I shouldn’t be feeling guilt. I need to look at the things I am doing right and acknowledge these things. Then I need to look at the qualities that are in the women that I admire, and figure out what I can do to implement those qualities in my life. Easier said than done sometimes, but I need to look at the positive and not the negative. The talk that I read related the story of how She looked at the women in her ward and admired their quiet children that knew all the answers to the primary questions, that have FHE every week, they have family prayer and seem to have it all together. She told one lady (with 10 kids, 2 sets of twins) how much she wished she could be like her. The lady looked at her and laughed. She said she always strived to be just like you. They laughed about it and realized that it is perspective.
I know that My Kids are the Noisiest in the ward, yet I have heard many people say that they can’t hear my kids over their kids! So for every one that thinks their kids are the noisiest, they are—To you! But I love the din of children that are struggling to learn but can’t seem to learn unless they are moving. I love that this is a family event and we learn together. We help each other. We are patient with each other and with the children that are trying. I used to take Alia out as a baby whenever she was making noise happy , sad, it didn’t matter. I was so concerned that she was bothering people, that I would take her out. Then one week a very wise man commented that she will never learn to be quiet if I never kept her in the chapel to learn. It takes a village a kind and loving and patient village. I followed that advice maybe he regret it now, but if nothing else, you are well entertained as I keep my children in the chapel to learn and grow and figure out that whisper does not mean whistle and your feet are not supposed to be over the bench in front of you kicking the person sitting there and generally figuring out how to sit still. I am grateful for that advice. I hope someday it will pay off. And your patients will be rewarded .
So, there are a few people that I left out of my initial description of my village, but not because they don’t matter as much, but the opposite. There are people in my life that I can’t raise my children without. It is my family. My dear Rikke who helps immensely when she is home. She really has been a second mother to these younger siblings. I often wonder how I raised Rikke without – Rikke! She is my incredible helper and loves these children like they were her – siblings. She is where my village begins to branch out of my hut even though she is still there in the hut some of the time. Then there are my sisters and my mother (and father). I don’t know what I would do without them. I am lucky that I can talk to one of my sisters almost everyday! Thank goodness for good long distance plans. She lets me complain, laugh, cry, scream at my kids in her ear (I MEAN DISCIPLINE SWEETLY), she helps me come up with a work schedules, chore charts and we work together while we talk. She IS my one of my best friends. My mother is also my best friend. When I have a problem, struggle, complaint, good news, bad news, need help with just about anything, Have a craft emergency (as Roger would call it), if we need her to come and be with our kids while a baby has surgery or go on vacation without the children, she is there for me. She is my mentor. The one I can go to for anything. She constantly reminds me of the good things, like “I know he is a handful, but think of what he would have been like if he had been born 100 years ago and couldn’t have that surgery. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything!!” It is a good thing to be reminded. This is my family and my village.
I am so grateful for Roger’s mother who raised 4 wonderful men with the help of a village. She raised 4 active boys without much, if any, help from their father. She depended on her village. She did a great job. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her, but there were some very influential villagers that helped her. Jacob is named after one. Roger’s Mother is a strong and wonderful woman. I wish so much that I had been able to know her before she was unable to take care of herself. I wish I could talk to her without the side effects of medication that make it so hard for her to talk. I have come to realize what a great woman she is just by living with her son. I appreciate her being a part of my village.
I am so lucky to have a mother to converse with and mentor me. I know that for some, Mother’s day is extremely difficult. Either they don’t have any children and would really like to, or they have lost their Mother or do not have good relationships with their mothers. I know that this can be an extremely trying and difficult day. I am sorry for that and wish that it could be a better day for you. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to celebrate the day of Mothers without my mother here to talk to. I am so very grateful, though for the knowledge that it is not a permanent situation. It is so hard to be without that maternal influence here now, but hopefully if we keep an eternal perspective, it will ease that pain a little bit. It can also help to have our Village. In my village I have many stand-in mothers who I can turn to in times of need when my mother can’t be there because she lives so far away. There are many women who generally look out for me. Some make sure that I am not overdoing, and some make sure that I am doing-like making sure that my application for my massage therapy test gets sent (which they did) and that I am able to study (which I need to do) and not volunteer for more than I am capable. My children have 2 wonderful grandmothers, but since they both live in Canada, sometimes they just can’t be here. I have turned to the women in my village to stand in as grandma for my children. Sister Hinkley was an amazing and wise woman. She said “We are all in this together. We need each other. Oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young, and hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old...We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth." You have a village. Use it. You might find that not only are you getting what you need, but someone else can benefit from that relationship as well.
I also want to talk about the sisters who don’t have children of their own. These wonderful sisters are an integral part of my village. My life and the lives of my children have been deeply enriched by these women with so much love to give. Thank you. You are so important to our village. You may not have children of your own, but you are still nurturing, loving and instrumental to the lives of the children in this village. James E Faust said-- You can do something for another person that no one else ever born can do. You may be able to do something for another woman’s child that she may not be able to do herself. I believe some compensatory blessings will come in this life and in the hereafter to sisters in those circumstances.
I guess that the only one I haven’t yet mentioned in my village, is the most important. Heavenly Father. He is the village chief. He is the one who knows all. He is the one we should be going to for help in all things. Remember Him in your village. The village can’t run without him.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of your village. I love the primary children in this ward and I am thankful for the joy they bring to me. Your children are fantastic! I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother. I love my children. They bring so much joy to my life. They are so much fun. They keep me young and age me all at the same time! I appreciate my husband who puts up with my attempts to be a mother. He puts up with my need to have my village close by. I love him very much and love that he is the one that I am with in this journey of parenthood and life.
So, I have decided, that even though the quote that I found is cute and funny and appropriate if you only look to the news and tv for your village, My village is smaller and has the most wonderful people in it. I Think, after all, the saying – it takes a village to raise a child- is the what I will stick with. I love my village. I know that I can’t do this by myself and I am grateful that I have wonderful women to back me up when I am not perfect. Perfection can come a little bit closer if we rely on our village.